I put on a brave face yesterday. I came to terms with not reaching my goals. I convinced myself that I was not a failure. I saw the bright side. I accepted hugs and high-fives with a smile. I heard what everyone was telling me and I believed them.
You are as good as your best run, not your worst run.
This race does not define you.
You have had an amazing year. It's not all about one race.
You will come out of this stronger than ever.
You still accomplished a lot today.
All of that may be true, but it still stings. I feel like I've been rubbed raw, kind of like the chafing under my sports bra. I'm having a bit of an emotional breakdown right now, which is why I thought it would be a good idea to start writing this down. There have been a lot of tears.
I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from family, friends and bloggers. It means the world to me. I know you guys get it and many of you have been there. People are saying and doing all the right things to make me feel better, but it just isn't working right now.
I poured so much into this (and I don't just mean the numbers) and it's hard not to feel like everything went down the tubes. I realize I have accomplished a lot this year and that I have a lot more to come, but that's not making it any easier to take this blow.
I know I should be pretty darn pleased that I can run a 4:11 marathon on a bad day (especially when I could barely run a 4:26 on a good day last year), but it doesn't feel like enough right now. I realize that I have to battle this demon, file it away and move on.
It will be several months before I toe the starting line of a marathon again. I may be plagued with doubt when that time comes. What if it happens again? I will just have to cross that bridge when I get there. The fact is, I know it will happen again. There will be many more races like this. But that will only make the good ones that much sweeter.
All of that to say that I will live to run another marathon.
"I'm just waiting for the perfect race to let my secret out." - runninglam via aron
In the mean time, pass me the